Ups & Downs. Highs & Lows

Last week I returned from a life-long bucket list road trip. 6567 miles. 22 states. 21 days. Driving alone. In my Jeep. 

When I was 10 I told my parents that one day I was going to drive alone, cross country, in my Jeep. 

I finally did! 

I turn 45 next month. This year is my 20th year with Scleroderma. In January when I learned that I still have a cancer “friend” sharing living space in my lung, I decided this was the year. Come hell or high water, I was going. I feel the most able and capable I’ve felt in a LONG time. I used to road-trip a LOT. I’ve missed that. For awhile they were too hard. There have been times I thought I’d never road-trip again. But, I DID IT. This wasn’t easy, but with the right practices for self-care, rest, and health maintenance in place, it was manageable. I stick to the same sleep schedule I maintain at home. I didn’t get up early. I didn’t travel late. I napped at rest stops when needed. I stopped at dinner each night. I did most all of the things I do at home, just on the road.  

What an adventure it was! I checked off a few bucket list items, fell back in love with my Jeep (but not enough for 6k mile road trips kind of love), spent time with some of my favorite humans, found a new love for Utah, went “home” to Montana, and SO much more! It was an amazing and life-changing trip. There are a lot of personal conversations and emotions to work with when you are doing nothing but driving. 

I’m so glad that I decided to make this trip happen. I hope to make it an annual trip (not in my Jeep, though 🤣) for as long as I am able. 

Today, we flip the script completely upside down. It’s the first quarterly scan day in this “new” life with managing cancer. As go-with-the-flow as I usually am, yesterday I discovered how much I was dreading this. Last night I messaged my friend and lamented that I just downright didn’t want to go today. Then, because I had to get up to an alarm this morning, I didn’t sleep well last night. That’s how I roll every time an alarm is involved. 

Regardless, I got through the morning with no hiccups and arrived to my appointment early. I was relaxed and the technician was a lovely woman. Unfortunately my veins were not cooperative. SHOCKING! (sarcasm) 

And for the first time (I think) in 20 years, I cried on the table. I was overwhelmed with feelings of “why can’t this ever be easy? Now I get to do THIS every four months?” and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The poor technician. She thought she hurt me. I briefly explained to her what was going on. She was very empathetic and such a sweet soul. 

We got through the IV (3rd try) and the scan with no further issues and she sweetly saw me on my way. We agreed we’re going to have a great relationship going forward as she’s the only CT tech in this office. So, at least there’s that - another steady face in this journey. 

I say all of that to maintain transparency. Even with a positive outlook, the reality is that life is full of ups and downs, y’all. Each minute of each day can change in an instant. The best we can do is ride the waves. Most of April was amazing. This morning kind of sucks. Later will be better, I’m sure. 

Persevere. Rock on. 

💋🤘🏼