Blessings in Disguise

I was talking earlier with a sclero friend about how not being able to have children turned out to be a blessing disguise.

Every flare type situation that I've had in the past year and a half have made me think the the same thing about being on disability. I often times struggle with the fact that I no longer work outside the home. For a paycheck. I do volunteer work, but most of that is from home, aside from the 5 or eo hours a week I volunteer outside the house.

Regardless, the point is, I don't work anymore. Sometimes I still struggle with that. Worry that I should have a job. That I should fight and find a "LoJo friendly job" that would accommodate all of the things I can't do.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

The past couple of days have served to be unpleasant reminders of how being on disability might not be so bad.

Being able to take the pain meds that knock me out. Staying home in my pjs. In bed. Not having to worry that I missed deadlines or let teammates down. Not having to worry about taking sick leave or vacation time. Or worrying if I have enough to cover if Ivey sick again later in the year.or trying to struggle through work because I'm too stubborn about all of those things.

Maybe being on disability is a blessing in disguise.

Maybe.

The Thing About Pain Meds

is that, while they do their job and stop the pain, they also knock me on my ass.

I took another med this morning when the pain was getting too bad again.  I slept sound for a few hours.

However, when I woke, I had to cancel yoga, reschedule my dentist appointment and spent the entire day in bed.  ENTIRE.  DAY.

I was foggy, groggy, and sleepy.  I dozed on and off all day.

When hubby got home from work at 3:30, I was zonked out, cross-ways in the bed.  Out cold.  Head almost hanging off my side.  Feet on hubby's pillow.

I certainly didn't lay down that way!

Oh well, the pain is still gone.  For now.  I could sleep on my head and not care as long as the throbbing is gone.

Pain Tolerance

I wonder if, as I'm getting older, my pain tolerance is not what it once was. Or are the sores that much more painful?

Either way, as you can see from the previous few months posts, I've got a nice collection of digital ulcers/sores. I've been tolerating most of them "ok" They hurt. They suck. But, I've managed, like always.

In the past few weeks I have two new sores, on my finger tips, or in "touch spots" that are pretty tough to deal with. They have caused three or more full on melt-downs in less than two weeks. That's a LOT of melt downs for me.

As I'm writing this, I realized that there are a bazillion nerve endings in your fingertips, which would account for the higher sensitivity to the pain. So, I guess that answers my initial question.

Anyway, the pain has been bad. The melt downs have been bad. And frequent. I don't waste my time with OTC pain meds for my ulcers. It's a waste of time, money, and adds crap to my body. I already hate taking the medications I am on now. But they all DO something. I don't want to add other stuff if it's not going to DO anything.

So, I manage and tolerate the pain as best I can. Until I can't. Today, I couldn't. By this afternoon, my pain level was pretty high and on top of that, I was up most of the night with pain, so I was exhausted and easily pushed over the edge. Finally, after a meltdown from the pain and not being able to even touch a thing without making the pain worse, I succumbed and took the good drugs.

I hate taking them. Yes, they alleviate the pain, but they knock me out. I hate that cycle. However, as tired as I was, today, it was ok. The meds kicked in, the pain became tolerable and I slept.

I just wish there was another way. Have I mentioned, I hate drugs?

Last night, in my middle of the night melt down, I was researching. Trying to find another way. A better way. A med free way to deal with the pain.

I found a book with Buddhist insight and techniques for managing pain. Since, I'm an aspiring Buddhist, let's hope I can learn something useful and get somewhere with it.

Wish me luck. I'll report back if anything fruitful comes from it.

Let Me Clarify

I realize I probably sound like an ungrateful complainer.

Maybe I am.  I don't mean to be.  My new cardiologist is nice enough.  He does a good job.  He's thorough.  He's nice.  He's keeping my heart from tiring out too early.

I think I sound like such a curmudgeon because while I know WHY I need the med and the constant check-ups with him .... ultimately, I'm still pissy about the whole idea.

Pissy that, I'm 34 and on heart meds.

THIRTY-FREAKIN'-FOUR!

HEART MEDS!

I'm certainly not the first.  Nor the last.  I'm just tired of being so young and having all this shit.

There.  I'm done with the whining.

For now.

Waste of Time and Money

While i understand the reasoning for the first follow-up visit after starting the new heart med ... let me tell you this:  it was a waste of time and money.

I was with the doctor for less than 15 minutes.  I was at the USF Health Center less than 45 minutes.  I wasn't even there long enough to be charged for parking.  That, I don't mind, but the rest could have been easily managed by a phone call or email.

Maybe I'm just too forward thinking.

The appointment was two weeks after I started the new med.  He listened to my heart.  Asked me a few questions about how I seemed to be tolerating the med.  Prescribed me the new dose and sent me on my way.  With a new appointment for one month.

We could have done all that over the phone and then he could have called my prescription into my pharmacy.

Saving him time to see other more important patients.  Saving me money on the visit and on gas.  Letting me sleep in.  Saving the planet from vehicle emissions and fuel usage.

Did I mention I get to go back in one month?

Yay!

The Little Blue Pill ...

No, not THAT little blue pill.  Get your mind out of the gutter!

My new heart med is blue.  I have no idea if it's helping.  I don't feel any different.  I guess that's a good thing.

Does that mean its working?  I hope so.

I DO believe it lowered my blood pressure a bit more.  I'm usually in upper 90s to low 100s for the top number.  Yesterday while I was getting my prescription filled for my sprained foot incident I checked my blood pressure and it was down to 86/65.

Woah.  That's low.  Now I need to keep an eye on it.  I'll be heading to see the cardiologist in about week for my follow-up, so, he'll check it all out.  Until then, I'm just gonna keep on, keepin' on.