“Fighting” is Open to Interpretation

There are still a bunch of questions waiting to be answered, but this has been asked in the past month and multiple times in just the past week, so I feel compelled to offer some clarity. 

The question(s) have been related to the cancer diagnosis and/or treatment plan.  Basically, some folks have asked … “why aren’t you fighting?” or “why are you giving up now?”

At first these questions made me angry. So, I opted to sit with them for a bit to see why they angered me and so I could respond appropriately versus reacting through anger. 

Let me begin this answer by saying that “fighting” a disease or illness can be done in a variety of ways. “Fighting” is open to interpretation and THAT interpretation really lies within the person that actually has the disease or is doing the fighting. For one person fighting might mean trying every new drug or treatment offered by doctors. For another person fighting might mean utilizing Eastern medicine. For someone else fighting might be going all in on a diet and lifestyle change. For still another person fighting might mean creating a “toolbox” that pulls pieces from all of the above. 

Your version of fighting and my version of fighting might be two completely different methods. 

So, for those asking the above questions, the real question being asked is “why aren’t you doing surgery, radiation, chemo, etc. to fight this?” i.e., “why are you giving up?”

I am far from giving up, friends. 

Conventional methods to “fight” just aren’t going to work for me. Surgery isn’t an option because with the level of fibrosis in my lungs removing the lobe would obliterate my lung function. Radiation would compromise my lung function and my esophagus. Chemo would cause a litany of side effects, mostly affecting my diet and caloric intake. I’m already struggling to maintain 90 pounds, I don’t have muscle or fat reserves to sustain more weight loss. 

With that in mind, my tumor is Stage I and hasn’t grown in the three years since it was originally noted and mis-diagnosed. Last, though I’ve been diagnosed with cancer, I’m not sick. If nobody told me there was a tumor still attached to my lung, I wouldn’t know it was there. I live a really good life. A life that I manage by myself. The side-effects of the treatments would disrupt that. With no guarantee for success. 

There are plenty of folks living long, prosperous lives with cancer, even Stage IV. Like 19+ years. Some are now cancer free. Without surgery, radiation, and chemo. They’re still fighting. In different ways. 

So am I. I’ve spent countless hours reading research studies, books, personal accounts. I’ve been having heart-to-heart talks with myself. I’ve been sure to let go of some unhealthy habits that I was clinging to. I’ve overhauled my diet again and am now 95% vegan. I’ve spent hours figuring out how to tune in my nutrition and adding beneficial supplements. My yoga practice is more consistent and intentional. My meditation is more crucial. Journaling my emotions is a necessity. Adding in unconventional treatments that have shown promise even if they’re not mainstream yet. Planning life events is renewed. 

To be honest, this part, between the second diagnosis and now, has been exhausting. It’s been all-consuming. This is how it was when I did the diet and lifestyle change that got me through Scleroderma with more ease. Now, I’ve had to do it again. The plans that helped get me on track with that, interestingly, don’t all apply here. There have had to be some big shifts. Now that I have solid plans in place it should ease up a bit, but the “fighting” will continue. 

Many decisions, everyday for the past twelve years have been done from a fighting mode. Now the fight is just with an added opponent. I’ve not given up. I’m still fighting to persevere and rock on. All day. Every day. 

💋🤘🏻