I STILL Have Cancer

That didn’t go as planned. Not even close. 

I met with the oncologist Monday to discuss my PET scan results. While the surgery was successful in removing Neil, it appears that Neil was hiding his twin sister Nellie. Well, not only was Neil hiding her, but so was the fibrosis and calcinosis in/on/around my lungs. The surgery did exactly what it was intended to, with the information available and visible at the time. 

Even had Nellie not been hidden, she is actually in the pleural lining and would not have been able to be cut out like Neil. In order to surgically get rid of her, a lobectomy would be required. I’m not a candidate for that because of my lung function. At this stage in the game I’d also not entertain the idea of another surgery. While I’m recovering well, it was hard. My poor little body has been through SO much over the years. 

So. This is what we’re doing now. A treatment plan hasn’t been established yet. The appointment was late in the day, the oncologist wanted to consult with the pulmonologist, and I needed some time to process, research, and be ready to come back with the right questions. We meet again in a week.

I’ve cycled through the range of emotions that come with this. I’m exhausted from the rollercoaster of my health. Exhausted from rollercoaster of the last month, specifically. It has been a lot of sharp climbs and sudden drops and corkscrews. 

I’m on pretty even ground at the moment and just trying to educate myself and be ready to make the “right” decisions for the way forward. This is a Stage 1 tumor. I’m not in a place of “imminent danger” so there’s time to discuss ALL the possibilities.  There are some hard and fast “no’s” in regards to what I’ll subject this body to. Quality of life for the longest period of time is the ultimate goal. I really do Love This Life I live and strive to LIVE A GREAT STORY, so-to-speak, and that means actually LIVING my life, not sick from treatments and existing just to say I “fought”. 

This isn’t ideal, but it’s where I’m at. I can’t undo it, so I’ll just keep working to persevere and rock on. 

Now that I’ve shared all the details … I’m going ramble and take an opportunity make this a teaching moment. 

I’d like to talk a bit about the concept of “holding space” and “toxic positivity”. Holding space isn’t something that most of us are comfortable with. Holding space often leaves us feeling uncomfortable and fidgety. It’s a practice of real human growth. We’ve been taught to try to make everyone feel better, to offer solutions to any problem, to share our similar experiences, to do whatever it takes to bring about positivity - all examples of actual toxic positivity. 

I invite you to read over the attached graphics and consider these when offering support to anyone. I can almost guarantee it will be appreciated. 

Now, YOU go rock on.