IT’S ON!

IT’S ON!

I had a final call with the surgeon’s coordinator to confirm that surgery is on for December 15th. Neil will be evicted. Good-bye, Neil. You have to die.

At this point I’m still just carrying on life as “normal” as much as possible.  I’m ready for this to be another part of my past. I’d be lying, though, if I didn’t admit that I am starting to have a little increased anxiety the past week or so as I’ve known the date is looming closer and closer. I’m not panic stricken, just very aware and in tune with all the complexities of my body in relation to surgery in general. 

Add on phrases like “I’ll deflate your lung” and “you’ll have a chest tube for three days”, neither of which are high on the list of things that sound fun to me. Lastly, while the plan is to go in and just remove the tumor via a “wedge resection”, there is also a possibility that it won’t be that simple. A lobectomy is actually what they would normally do in this instance, but because my lung function is already decreased due to fibrosis, the pulmonologist has requested this procedure because a lobectomy would decrease my function enough that I then would almost assuredly require daily oxygen use. 

THAT concern hovers in the back of mind most, I think. It wouldn’t be the end of the world and I would figure out how to make my life work even if that is the case, and yet, it’s just not an added complexity I’d like to add to my routine.

I’m very grateful and lucky to live in a day and age where I’ve survived Scleroderma for 19 years and now have a negative ANA and no Scl-70 markers. I’m grateful that the issues I deal with now, - ILD, heart failure, Raynaud’s, GERD, and the lingering fibrosis in my tendons and joints, are all manageable with lifestyle, diet and just a very few medications. I’m grateful for all of these things AND I’m still tired of managing my health. It’s still a full-time job. It’s manageable AND it’s a f¥cking LOT to manage. I’m not ready for oxygen. I’m not ready for “one more thing”. Cancer (though “easily resolved” in this case) is the last “one more thing” I want right now. We’ll, I absolutely don’t want this, but you get the idea. 

So, I will keep on keeping on. I’m putting my trust and faith that my surgeon will do everything in his power to keep this as minimally invasive as possible. I’m hoping that Neil has understood the eviction notice he’s been given and that he’ll go quietly. At the end of it all, it is what it is and I can’t do much else about it, so … as always, what do we do?

Persevere. Rock on.

💋🤘🏻