I've been dealing with some sort of daily ache or pain for so long now, that even when it's bad or excruciating, I just deal with it. I can mask how bad it really hurts. I've just learned how. I express that I'm having some pain, just so hubby knows, but I try to manage the rest alone. He deals with enough. Everyday. He doesn't need to be saddled with my pain while knowing he can't help. It's just better if he doesn't know, until it subsides, or until I can't handle it alone anymore.
While I try to be upbeat and accepting of my circumstances, sometimes it's hard.
While I know "it" is what "it" is, sometimes I still get angry.
While this is the first joint flare-up I've encountered in over a year, it still scares me to death.
While, it's only been one day, it still scares me to death.
One bad day can transport me back to 2004. It happens every single time. I wish it didn't. I wish I were stronger. Usually, I am. IN the panicky portion of a flare, I am not.
One day in bed because moving hurts too much scares the crap out of me.
I had a meltdown today. In bed. Alone. I didn't share with anyone. I knew it was just overreacting to the pain. The familiarity of being stuck in bed. Worried that it's the beginning of another cycle. A cycle where walking hurts. Laying in bed hurts. Rolling over hurts. My hair hurts. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g hurts.
It's also on the heels of a week where ulcers on my hands are all but intolerable. My hands are so curled and bent that the knuckles hurt just from being. Just existing. Let alone doing anything with them.
It's amazing how much we take our hands and fingers for granted. I'm beyond tolerating them being the way they are. I have a consult with my hand surgeon on Nov 1. He wants to discuss straightening the fingers. Not straight as an arrow, but slightly curled. It will be permanent. Whatever angle he fuses them in will be forever. It will certainly relieve the knuckle pain. There won't be any knuckles. There won't be any more ulcers, probably. But, how functional will they be?
At this point, I'm so beyond wanting to deal with the knuckles and ulcers, I'd be ok with cutting them off just past the middle knuckle. I'm sure I could figure out how to function. It can't be any harder than this. Can it?
I know I've thrown out bionic fingers on here, but I really do wonder just how functional they would be? It's worth inquiring about, though.
So, combine a week plus of shitty shitty finger ulcers and a day of severe arthritic shoulder flare-up type pain and I'm a little freaked. I had a meltdown. Big one.
I'm tired. Tired of it always being something. I wasn't lying in my description when I said it was a roller coaster ride. I don't like roller coasters.
Here's to hoping I wake up without wanting to rip my arms off and beating someone with them. Here's to hoping for no skin flares with this .... I 'm not sure that my heart would appreciate the panic attack THAT would cause. Here's to hoping for less freaking out. Here's to hoping for some sleep, soon. Last but not least, here's to hoping for a better tomorrow, all around
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