Status Quo

Thursday, January 27, 2011 0 Comments A+ a-

Not much change going on here.  5 ulcers are still present.  Healing slower than slow.  I wish there was a standard way to deal with them.  What works for easing pain and making them comfortable one time, does not necessarily work for the next ulcer.

I'm pushing through though.  I'm hating it, but doing what I have to.

I hate having to ask hubby for help with the things I had become so excited to once again handle on my own.  It feels like a major regression.  Definitely a blow to my ego and feeling of self sufficiency.

It's only temporary.  That's what I tell myself.  Unfortunately, temporary, in the world of digital ulcers can be months at a time.

I think my elbow is finally 99% healed.  For now.  It will surely break open again one day.  Hopefully later than sooner!

The restless nights last week triggered the 2 a.m. "crazy thoughts."  The thoughts about ... if I'm only 33 now and my body has turned into this ... what is going to happen in 5 years?  15?  20?  30?  30 more years of this?  What if I live into my 70s?  That's 40 more years!  FORTY!  And THIS is some of the easier stuff!  What if the bad stuff comes back?  Can I DO it?  Am I strong enough?

What about my poor hubby?  Yes, he takes care of me because he loves me ... but FORTY more years?  It seems so selfish to ask or expect of anyone.  Seems unfair.

The saying "that which does not kill us makes us stronger" is not entirely true.  Yes, I've grown.  I've done things I would never have imagined I could fight through or handle.  I continue to fight and struggle through whatever I need to in order to continue and I'm proud of myself for doing so.  But, I think on some level, each battle tires me out.  Makes me less able to deal with the next battle.  Makes me weaker.  My pain thresh hold is definitely less than it used to be.  My determination to struggle through something fo the satisfaction of being able to "do it on my own"is not nearly what it used to be.  The list goes on.

Today, I'm just tired.  I slept almost 10 hours last night.  Did nothing strenuous today and could have easily climbed into bed at 7 p.m.

Tomorrow is equine therapy.  Let's see what good things the day can bring.